96 Places to see before you die #32: The Lair of the Hairless Bear

Detroit, Michigan

If you find yourself somehow traveling towards Detroit at breakneck speed and you haven’t a clue as to why you would be going there, there can be only one reason: You’re on your way to the Lair of the Hairless Bear.

At one point in each of our lives we are all called upon by the Hairless Bear. We don’t know when the Bear will call, we just know that he will and that when it happens we will be judged. If the Hairless Bear judges you to not be worthy of this life, then the Hairless Bear will eat you and your time on this Earth will be through(as in the case of my father). Most though are judged in a positive light and are able to leave with the Hairless Bears approval, so don’t worry.

When you arrive at the entrance to the cave of the Hairless Bear, note the way the ground is tilted. If it is tilted up then the month of April will be especially rainy, if it is tilted down, then a famous celebrity will possibly become impregnated in the coming days, and if the ground is not tilted at all then that is the Hairless Bears way of telling you to lay off the carbs. Scientists have yet to understand how the Hairless Bear can control these things, we just know that he can and it must be accepted.

If on the way to the Hairless Bear, he tells you by mental telepathy to pick him up some gummi bears, it would be a smart decision to do as told. A few people have failed to meet the Hairless Bears requests and those same people are no longer with us, the Hairless Bear sent them all to Canada. No one knows why the Hairless Bear sends people to Canada(Toronto, usually) we just know that he started doing this sometime around 1986 and that it must be accepted.

People wearing shorts when meeting the Hairless Bear will not be accepted into the Hairless Bears chamber. If you find that upon your calling to the Hairless Bear you are wearing shorts, then it must be accepted that upon arrival you will probably be either eaten(most likely) or banned to Canada(least likely). No one knows why the Hairless Bear hates shorts, we just understand that he does and so it must be accepted.

Finally, the Hairless Bear is a daunting and time consuming task for most people. You need to try and just have fun with it and let the way of the Hairless Bear help you grow into the man or woman that all of us become. Yes the Hairless Bear is scary, but that is only because he is a Bear and Bears are pretty scary up close. Just remember he’s also Hairless, and being Hairless is funny, especially for a Bear.

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