Talker 96′s Page of Awesome

Wired magazine wrote, “According to Google, Talker96.wordpress.com is the last website to be registered on the world wide web. All other sites registered after talker96.wordpress.com will be falsely perceived as legitimate ownership by the buyers of said domain names. Instead, the site names and web space will be acquired by the U.S. government, to then be used at their discretion.”
talker96.wordpress.com, the last web page on the internet.

 

Here I am.

The more I write…………The more you read………..The cooler you shall get……….

Talker 96

This is my site.

I am Talker 96.

You are here.

Awesome.

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Sharks planning on coming ashore next Tuesday

Sharks, normally found in and around beaches and anywhere else there is an ocean, announced last week that they would be coming ashore sometime next Tuesday.

The announcement came after a Hammerhead shark built an ocean to land breathing apparatus after narrowly missing a surfer that he was trying to make his dinner. Frustrated by his loss of a meal, the shark went and designed a gill to air to water conversion inhaler that is similar in design to our own modern S.C.U.B.A gear. After a successful run onto the beach where the surfer was sitting conversing with his friends, the Hammerhead laid in wait for about ten minutes behind a lifeguard stand until finally pouncing awkwardly onto the surfer and dragging him back into the ocean depths. The success of the sharks first steps onto dry land sent shock waves throughout the shark community. Soon, production on thousands of shark breathing gear was underway and an announcement was made for their landfall arrival on Tuesday.

Shark experts and fans of Shark Week on the discovery channel are unsure as to how this could happen, even prompting one scientist to exclaim “We’re Fucked” to a packed audience at a recent shark expo in San Diego, California. The scientist felt what most though are feeling as the Shark arrival looms ever closer.

Police are telling everyone to stay indoors this Tuesday and to not answer the door for anyone that comes, Sharks are very crafty and have been known to be masters of disguise in their hunt for food.

Talker96 talks T.V.

From the makers of “Hoarders”, comes a new show about another scary urban trend that apparently affects every one out of seven homosexuals. Aptly titled “”Closeted”, the show deals with gays and lesbians that currently live in the closet and are too afraid to move into something bigger, like an apartment maybe.
Tonight’s show deals with two closeted homosexuals living in Seattle named Dave and Mark. Dave happily came out of the closet when he turned 18 but knows how difficult it can be for people like Mark, his partner, who currently lives in the closet of the home the two own together, though Dave uses the closet solely for hanging his clothes.

The hour-long show focuses mostly on Mark as he tries to live his day-to-day trapped in the small confines of a closet, the most difficult part being how hazardous it tends to be. On more than one occasion Mark is hit by falling debris coming from the top shelves, everything from Christmas and Birthday gifts to snow  boots, and in previews for future episodes a guy gets knocked out by a bowling ball even, it’s certainly a dangerous life they lead.

Catch all the “Closeted”  drama and excitement tonight at 7 on A&E

There can be only one

A special thank you to all the readers who entered our “Where in the World is Talker96″ Contest, which sent hundreds of you across thousands of miles in search of our elusive editor and chief, Talker96.

Most followed the clues we gave to his whereabouts and came extremely close to finding him, but as this is a contest there can be only one true winner, that winner is……..

Samantha Ryan of Dillon, Mass

She successfully found Talker96 standing in front of the GE Building, which is home to NBC studios, at 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York, New York. Congratulations Samantha!

On a somber note, to the families of the ones we lost in Cairo, we truly are sorry for your loss but we never ever told them to go to Cairo.

Talker96 returns from hiatus

Talker96 returned today from Virginia(it’s for lovers!) with little excitment and much confusion about why he was even in Virginia(it’s still for lovers) in the first place.
He will say that the mysterious person mentioned in his previous post “Viewer mail” did return in the guise of a supportive reader, though the comments he left, while chipper, were trying, negative stabs at my writing. They were promptly discarded for what they were and raised the question, why is it so hard for some people to just grow up, move on and not bother with things of the past? I mean, if you had any idea how many people Talker96 has simply forgotten about throughout his life……..
All said though, this will officially be the last time Talker96 mentions anything related to the person that was just mentioned, because honestly, I’ve got better things to do.
On a completly different note, I absolutly hate typing this from my phone.

Miley Cyrus thinking about possibly going back to work,sometime soon, maybe

Hanna Mon-,

Miley Cyrus, daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus and some woman, told TMZ that since her show Hannah Montana ended, she has been “really busy.” She also said that while she has nothing confirmed as her next project, +she is confident that something will come up soon, adding, “I’ve been reading over some scripts to movies and writing some lyrics for a possible new album, but I totally don’t want to rush into anything right at this point in my life.”

But she is totally poised to maybe get work sometime soon. “I can’t just live off Hannah Montana my whole life, gotta get back on the horse sometime. When that sometime is though, will be totally up to me.”

Can’t wait Miley.

Talker96′s Viewer Mail

Hey there kiddies.

We at Page of Awesome like to occasionally open up the ol mail bag and show you some of the comments we receive here. Most are pleasant  in tone and show us why we continue to strive towards an excellence in reporting that our rivals could sometimes take a lesson from.

Others though, are less pleasant in tone and showcase the commenter as a person with way to much time on their hands. Today we shall go towards the less pleasant comments in our mailbag and will let you the reader decide for themselves about what kind of person wrote them.

We have three comments in the bag, all of which were written by the same person, Blakely(email- bicane077@gmail.com).

Blakely left his comments today at around 6;30 A.M. on three different posts, not only trying to insult me, but my viewers as well. Below I will post the comments and which posts they were on. Afterward, I will post my thoughts on the comments and who might have left them. Enjoy, ladies and gentleman I give you Blakely…..

Submitted on 2012/01/07 at 6:02 am on Jesus Spotted at JFK

is this supposed to pass for wit? i mean i could care less about jesus but dont make a mockery of the church of humor. did you say someone pays you too write-who are these dullards and where can i apply? i have some comical essays about a piece of lumber they will love.

Submitted on 2012/01/07 at 6:12 am on Lair of the Hairless Bear

wtf. 5 comments and 3 are from the author himself. these can be nothing more than the drug addled ramblings of a grandiose burnout. there is nothing even rhetorical about this bullshit. i couldnt get on the huffington post this morning and i have detoured into the ally of base pedestrianism. i guess ill keep reading for morbid curioustiy on how anyone could actually publish this garbage.

Submitted on 2012/01/07 at 6:18 am on Iowa man thinks flat billed cap

ok this is actually funny. not bad for a 7th grader keep plugging along kid.

Okay, so there are the comments. First I would like to thank Blakely for reading and appreciate the fact that he took the time to comment. Second, I would love to read Blakely’s comical essays on lumber, if they are as funny as they say then I would gladly pass them on to my agent. Who knows, maybe Blakely could be a star.

For the second comment, I’m sorry Blakely couldn’t get on to Huffington today, I’ll contact their editors and see what could have been the problem. They have actually posted some of my stuff that I wrote for them a while back(after being contacted by them) so I’ll try my best to help you out so that this may not happen to you again.

For the third comment, thanks for saying it was funny.

As far as who Blakely could possibly be…. One of two people, either he/she is someone who simply does not have anything better to do then comment in a mean spirited fashion towards random blog postings that they stumble upon(which if that’s who they are then I’m sorry they have no life) or…. they are a bitter ex con out on parole who is simply trying to tear me down.

Yes kiddies, I may have my own actual Cape Fear scenario. Someone who went to jail a couple of years ago and has nothing better to do then leave comments on my site to try and make me cry. The posts about the man are on this blog somewhere, just do some reading through my older posts and you will find them. I’m not going to bother with his name because I have better things to do, but when you find the posts, google his name and see what comes up. The posts that come up with his name probably hurt because they don’t go away, and now he’s out on parole he may not be able to even find a job because of them.

If I’m wrong and it’s not him, then I apologize. If it’s the other type of person then I really apologize because I feel bad for them.

Finally, this post was rushed so I know it has typos and problems, it’s coming from my phone so you can’t expect much.

Thanks for coming to the mail bag Kids.

The following is a paid advertisment from Talker96

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What is it?

It’s a magical place where Talker96 is going to upload all the other writing he does throughout his day. The stuff he doesn’t get paid for of course. See, Talker96 writes for a living, this is true, but throughout his day he writes a lot of fun stuff that is not really for this site, and especially not stuff for his work, but stuff inbetween it all. Short tales, badly done poems and riddles and so much more.

So come on down to Talker96 is Condescending at www.Talker96is.wordpress.com, and have yourself a merry old time.

Jesus spotted at JFK International Airport

Jesus Christ was recently spotted coming out of a plane at JFK International Airport, prompting believers to say that the son of the lord has finally returned home, though nothing has been confirmed yet on Gods end.

Coming off of a 6 hour American airlines flight from Houston, Jesus looked to be at peace with those around him despite the crown of thorns on his head and the fact that he died for all of our sins. According to inflight personnel, Jesus was very pleasant, kept to himself and blessed most of the passengers on board before take off, even prompting one atheist to “seriously think about converting”.

No word as to why Jesus was in New York.