Talker 96’s Page of Awesome

The more I write…………The more you read………..The cooler you shall get……….

Talker 96

This is my site.

I am Talker 96.

You are here.

Awesome.

Vegas: What happens in

I’m here so just stop freaking out.

I realize I was not here to post anything for a week but I had to go to Vegas and drink with lots of other drunk people. It sucks but it’s true. I totally would have asked you to come but I know that you really don’t like crowds or gambling, two things that I had to deal with in abundance over the course of the week. So many strippers(a hassle), roulette winnings of $3000(a pain in the ass with taxes) and a Halloween party that left me with a hangover that probably won’t be over till March 23rd of next year is not what I think you consider a good time so……..sorry for not letting you come.

But I’m back.

And all is well.

You should have gone to Vegas with me.

Elusive Snuffleupagus finally captured

The elusive and rare Aloysius Snuffleupagus, which has eluded cryptozoologists for years, has finally been captured on Sesame Street.

It seemed as though the mammoth like creature would never be caught, a thought that left the city of New York living in fear.

Maria Rodriguez, who is co-owner of the Fix it Shop on the street where they captured the creature, talked to us by phone, “I always liked to humor the kids that came into my shop and tell them that Snuffy wasn’t real, but I knew the truth. We were all scared of it, everyone who lived around here. We wouldn’t go out at night out of fear of being trampled. I can’t even tell you how many complaints to the police were made just because of the amount of poop it left around. Piles and piles of it, steaming up the place. The fact is, this street is no place for a freaky looking hairy elephant…..Shit, while you’re at it, get rid of that stupid ass yellow bird! That thing is always asking me about numbers and letters. That shit gets annoying after awhile! Plus, I think that bird is from the devil……it never ages. It’s freaky.”

The mammoth will be transferred to San Diego to be studied so as to try and figure out where it came from.

Jungle Fever outbreak in midwest leaves two dead

A rare case of Jungle Fever struck a small mid-western town, leaving two dead and four others seriously injured. Reports are sketchy but according to the Krimsaw Gazette,  in Krimsaw, Iowa,  the outbreak has been contained and there is no cause for alarm.

For those that do not know,the Jungle Fever virus stems from the 1991 Spike Lee film of the same name. So far Spike Lee’s films have been responsible for the emergence of two other viruses, The Summer of Samonellia and the Girl 6 e coli. It is warned to only view his films once, anymore and you run the risk of infection.

Police are still investigating the cause of the outbreak and have yet to release the names of the victims.

Paparazzi hit jackpot as Lindsay Lohan ages 4 years in three minutes

Members of the elite Paparazzi Press sat in amazement as they watched twenty-three year old Lindsay Lohan age a record four years in three minutes time.

Mark Cansuelos, a photographer for whichever magazine will buy his photos, was there at the time of the aging. He sat down with us while waiting for shots of Suri Cruz at a park and explained what he saw, “It was freaky and surreal at the same time. We were all sitting outside Club Remorse and the bouncers had just denied Tara Reid entry inside when all of the sudden someone starts yelling Lindsay, Lindsay! We all look over and start flashing pics, Lindsay stops and starts to pose and somewhere in the distance, a fog horn blew. It was beautiful how it all came together. Suddenly, Lindsay just starts to moan this horrible low moan. Well, we all just kept taking pics and that’s when it happened…..she just started to age. Older and older she got as the flash bulbs flashed. When it was all over, she had grown at least four years in a matter of minutes. It was the most disgustingly horrible and profitable thing I had ever seen.”

Doctors are confused as to what caused the aging, but most are in agreement that Lindsay just needs to slow down.

Talker96

Mayan Chief can’t wait for 2012

Mayan Chief Rogeberto Poot, talked to CNN’s Larry King last night to discuss the possibility that the world is going to end on December 21, 2012,  which some claim is the end of the Mayan calendar, a claim that the chief calls, “Poppycock.” He then added, “Yes, it is a coincidence that our calendar end date coincides with an odd astronomical alignment that only happens every twenty-five thousand years. Big whoop! That’s your proof? Show me something Earth shattering in terms of…..well……Earth shattering news!”

But others claim that the chief is wrong. Respected news channels such as The History Channel and The Learning Channel(TLC) have both had hard hitting specials like “Nostradamus: Predicter of 2012″ and “Mayans, 2012 and you: Why Nostradamus says you’re going to die”, which shows the link between the calendar and the end of the world.

But attention seeking shows such as these only perpetuate the myth of our destruction and, as the chief says, “are even more Poppycock!” But it’s probably only going to get worse for Chief Poot as we get closer to the year 2012,  especially with the premiere of the film “2012″ starring John Cusack coming out next month.

When it comes to the film though, the Chief changes his tune, saying “I watched the five minute preview for it on Fancast the other night, and all I’ve got to say is that it could very well be responsible for the destruction of the Earth………because we will be destroyed by AWESOME! That movie looks so cheesy and fun, I know I should be angry but I just can’t be. It’s gonna rock!”

Two people hospitalized after Care Bear attacks girls tea party

Alicia Richards imaginary tea party ended with violence Saturday after a Care Bear viciously attacked her and her mother while the two were sitting in her room.

According to the girl’s father, Alicia and her mother had just sat down to enjoy some Easy Bake Brownies and imaginary tea that the girl had made for the party. After putting a napkin into Mr. Lambs (her stuffed lamb) lap, the girl went around to pour her Nightlife Barbie a cup, as she walked past her window Grumpy Bear unexpectedly jumped from the girls clothes hamper and attacked.

Artists rendering of the Care Bear that attacked Alicia and her mother

So far there is no explanation as to what provoked the bear from the Kingdom of Care-a-lot, but it’s leaving some to question if they can trust the Care Bears alone with their children. Thomas Mackey, a zoologist at the San Diego Zoo told us what he thinks, “The bottom line is this, they are Care Bears, but they are still Bears and they should be treated as such. Would you welcome a Grizzly into your home and then let them sleep next to your son or daughter at night? Of course not. This is still a wild animal, you do not play with a wild animal like these kids are doing.”

Police are still looking for the bear but most believe he has gone back to the  Kingdom and probably won’t be back anytime soon. No word as to the status of Alicia or her mother.

Test Monkey finally writes Masterpiece

We’ve all heard the old saying, “If you put a million monkeys in front of a million typewriters, one of them one day will eventually produce a masterpiece.

Well, the wait is finally over.

Test monkey, #33679203P, otherwise known as Bop Bop, became the first monkey ever to write a literary masterpiece. The monkey’s book, titled “Vines to Vineyards, one monkeys journey”, is a semi-autobiographical tale of Bop Bop’s life. The story revolves around the fictional character Bash Bash, who as a young monkey still living in the jungle, suddenly finds himself uprooted from his mothers grasp when a couple of poachers kidnap him and take him to a monkey camp far from his home. The night of Bash Bash’s arrival, animal activists break in to the camp and take many of the creatures back to the states so as to live in an animal sanctuary. Once in America, Bash Bash slowly learns how to trust again, and what it means to feel and be loved. The book takes place during the month’s following the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the fear that struck directly after.

In his review of the book, Tim Bowen of the New York Times said that “Vines to Vineyards is one of those rare books that will stand the test of time. Like War and Peace, to Kill a Mockingbird and Curious George before it, this book will be here long after I am gone and I’m sure will be required reading in most schools across America. Somehow the author, in this case, a fifteen year old monkey named Bop Bop, has been able to do what no other has done before, write a book that truly speaks to every race, creed, culture and creature in a deeply profound way that will leave you with a sense of hope and awe for the future. Five stars.”

The book is to be released sometime in December, just in time for Christmas.

International Thief Carmen Sandiego apprehended at L.A. airport

One of the FBI’s most wanted criminals, Carmen Isabella Sandiego has finally been caught after nearly twenty four years of being on the run.

The only known photo of Carmen Sandiego

Through a joint effort between the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the ACME Detective Agency, the international jewel and ancient artifact thief was captured at LAX airport this morning while en route to find a buyer for her latest heist, a rare Grecian Vase from the 12th century.

“For years every agent on the team was asking Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? Well, today we know, she’s in jail.” Acme Detective Sandy Dennis, who was in charge of the investigation for the past ten years, told reporters outside of the airport terminal where the arrest was made, “It has been a rough chase for some of our agents, with some being fooled into thinking they had cornered Mrs. Sandiego on more than one occasion, but always left holding an empty hat as she got away laughing. Thanks to a tip by one of her ex-cohorts,  Baron Grinnit, we were finally able to track her to a series of artifacts stolen within the last week at various locations across L.A. All I can tell you now is that she will be moved to an undisclosed location awaiting trial.”

More as events unfold